being green

My friend Lynn likes to talk about staying green in our recovery. In one of her meetings, an old timer shared that staying green would keep the heart open to what it was like before. This connection with the new, raw pain of getting sober serves as a reminder of how much better everything is now. It also serves as a reminder of how, not that long ago, it was a terrifying prospect to live differently. It was impossible to imagine what it would be like to make it through a day or even an hour without alcohol.

Last night I went to a 90th birthday party/55th AA birthday party where I was the greenest person there in terms of length of sobriety. I don't know this for a fact, but it's a pretty safe bet. Why this is important to me is this. I needed a reminder that I am, in fact, still pretty darn green.

I've wised up a great deal about myself in the last year. I don't think about drinking, wanting to drink or where the next drink is going to come from nearly every minute of every day. I considered myself enlightened and in solid recovery mode. I know I have much to learn, but honestly, have been feeling pretty proud of my work and how far I've come in the last 11 months.

Last night something dawned on me. I realized that everyone around me was relating to each other on a different level than me. They were socializing the same way you would in any situation where friends gather or where people with varying interests meet at a party. General chit-chat. Oh you know so & so? Remember when ... ? Swapping stories of funny times and adventures. Sure, nearly everyone there was an alcoholic. But the party wasn't about alcoholism. It was about celebrating the accomplishments of a humble man who has touched many lives by living his life dedicated to serving others.

So, this greenhorn has to humble herself again and realize that everything isn't about me, me, me or even about Alcohol. Where It is or It is not. One of these days, I will need to remind myself to reconnect with my inner greenhorn. For now, I have to take a look in the mirror a little more often to remind myself that I'm still pretty new at this recovery business. I haven't quite gotten a handle on how to live life without the awareness radar of alcohol on high alert every time I walk out the door and into the world.

For now, I'm just happy to be green. And sober.